African diaries - I

Last night in Uganda. I won’t deny it has somewhere been a bit exhausting, both physically and emotionally; experiences so powerful that though it has only been 23 days, I feel as if I have always lived here. This is how such experiences are. In present they engulf, completely overwhelm you. And in retrospect, they seem hard to believe. You being hazy in your mind about their occurrence but convinced of their indelible imprints on your life. Such was my time in Africa, my first trip to this unimaginably resource-rich but shockingly unfortunate part of the world. A visit, more of a lesson I think I needed to learn at the brink of my graduation; returning back to the ‘real-world’ as some cynics would say, after a hiatus. I feel my conversations with farmers; people marred by nature and abandoned by nurture, humans living in almost infra-human conditions, have enriched me significantly. Their dreams, when asked, almost every time brought smile on their tired but eager faces; dream of enough food for all, dream of sending all children to school, dream of having a better house with something more than a couple of chairs. Scarcity has chained these dreamers together; so whenever they dream, they all dream the same.

‘Have you bought anything in last three years for yourself or your family?’ I asked one.

He thinks and thinks, going back in time.

‘Yes!’ Oh, his answer is finally here.

‘Yes I did buy a radio for my wife in 2011. She likes to listen to music you see.’

A radio?  Hmmm. I used to be a little surprised initially but then it all started to make sense. Spending hours and hours in far flung villages, I slowly began to connect dots, naively hoping that the final picture would not come out as heartbreaking as the individual dots were. Sometimes the whole village seemed like a small, insignificant black dot in center of the world, meaning nothing to anyone outside. But then this thought never lasted long, evaporated within seconds every time I saw those ever smiling, ever waving kids on literally every street. Africa is not just a number. A subject, a research, an experiment. It is a constant battle for survival. To protect yourself from being one of the three million people who die because of Malaria every year.

Africa also made me realize the tremendous power of money. How it can improve lives, or more simply, how it can let people live.

Consider this: Smallholder farmers on average apply for a loan of about 400,000 Ugandan Shillings/six months. Most find it difficult to get, some find it insufficient, some even struggle to pay. You know how much 400,000 UGX is?

EUR 121. 

Because no one is like you - IV

Ours seems like a very interesting story in the making. Enriched or marred by the distance between us, I don't know. But the distance that we have traveled together, places we have been to, that too so early in our relationship, do most certainly give us some exclusivity. Today as I am heated here in Kampala at around 25 degrees, you are on the other side, battling with such harsh cold. But our hearts do beat together. Our love, not in the physical sense, keeps us warm. And I would want it to continue doing that. I want myself and our love to be like a shelter for you, both at the times when you are gearing up to face the world as well as when you are tired, wanting to just come back and confide.

I don't know how our story will unfold in the future. And to tell you, I have now started to think about future more than ever before. Know, that I feel more involved with you than I have ever been before, that you have already so naturally become the focal point of my life; and that life without you seem incomplete. 

Thinking about how much you love me, and that you miss me when I am not around, makes me happy in such a strange way. With so much love flowing between and within us, I do not wish for us to stay away for too long. Either I should come there or you should head back, we need to sleep, every night, with arms around each other. I want to wake up to your face, I want to have breakfast with you every.single.morning, I want to see you dress up for work, I want to help you choose what to wear, sometimes help you wearing it as well...

I just miss you so much tonight.


Happy 'first' Valentines Day, my love!

Because no one is like you - III

Yeh ghum jo iss raat ney diya hay,
Yeh ghum sehr ka yaqee'n bana hay;
Yakee'n... jo ghum se kareem tar hay,
Sehr... jo shab se azeem tar hay.

This is closest one can get to life. Faiz in his poetry, unlike many others, has successfully found that elusive pulse between truth and fantasy; between pain and ecstasy. And he has often, then not, managed to keep his finger on it. It is often, then not, difficult in life to make these distinctions, isn't it? No matter where I look today, past present or future, the dots connect both ways, like a symphony both bitter and sweet. Co-existence is one of the most important lessons one learns in life; that success and failure can come and exist together. And then one fine day, just as you would know, they both let you go. You die. To me personally, the quest to understand realm and fiction in their isolation seems like a mistaken notion, as I feel both are weaved with hope and distress. Hope and distress, in their purest forms feature both in my reality and dreams. One time or the other. Sometimes my reality does seem brighter than my dreams. 

But I cannot claim the universality of this belief of mine, as I understand it may not always hold ground. In fact, a lot of times I feel this belief gives birth to restlessness. To organize is so vital to keep both.

I often, more than before, think about my father these days. Separation continues to be my biggest fear. Somehow, missing you makes me miss him as well. But unlike you, he does not come on Skype, his voice, never to be heard again. What time does to memories is strange. Each passing day, both adds in and takes away memories; we truly live the Theseus's paradox. And one day you meet a sudden realization that you are beginning to lose your father's voice in your head. You think you know it but you are not sure anymore. Today when I think about the time when we used to have dinner together, every single night, discussing politics and sports and movies, I find it extremely difficult, almost unbelievable that he, in his physical form, does not exist anymore. Where is he? He continues to live with us, in us, through his values and ideals, somewhere on the very fine line between truth and fiction. 

Often, I think of him when I see my mother smile. I think of him, when I see you smile. Our arguments remind me of my arguments with him, the way I tell you about movies, he used to tell me. 

I realize one day I will lose more people, a thought that makes me really sad. More than the happiness of meeting new people. I realize both will happen one day, that I will lose and gain more people, that I will be sad and happy. 

Tonight, as I sit here alone in my room, engulfed in such abstractions, I find one thought of more value, one thought more urgent than the others. This journey has brought me to a familiar junction, a realization that love should be always be expressed. As many times, in as many ways, as you want to. As randomly as you feel like. Just as I do not have any idea if whatever I have written or thought previously tonight has any connection(s) to it. A culmination, a climax which may not be as relevant to the story, but certainly as important as the story. Perhaps our stories will always remain incomplete without this expression of love. Perhaps my story with my father remains incomplete. I thought we still have much time left.

So, here I am, once again tonight, saying what I say very often. I love you. With all my heart. Every minute spent with you is special. I look forward to see your face everyday, literally waiting. 

I love you.

Noor 

Yeh Raat.

                                                         - Faiz

Gate C-09

I feel so overwhelmed: when will I see you next? Not soon, I feel, but I hope soon. Because without seeing you, your face and being in your tight but endearing embrace, I don't know what I will do. Right now, it seems like that's all I know in life, all I know is how to be with you, how to be yours, how to love you and respond to your love...that's all I know, that's all I have known in the past few months. Will I know anything else? I don't know. Will I unknow what I know? I don't want to. 

...Some just melted inside of me.

Because no one is like you - II

This post is about hope. Because both, the one who is writing, and the one for whom it is being written, are driven by nothing but hope. Or perhaps I should go on to say, drawn as well towards each other by nothing but hope. Hope that trust would be treasured; hope that past would always be in past. We both have had our ups and downs, enduring hilly often rough terrains of life. But we must admit, that we both are incredibly blessed people, successful on our own tracks, unusual in our own ways. 

I remember the last time I wrote here, more than a month ago, I was coming to Amsterdam... I was coming to see you. Waiting for you at the cafe and then you came. Done with your exam, a little tired, but glowing. We were celebrating our six months of togetherness, two chicken fried rice, two cokes were ordered yet again. Now when you are back to your college, and me back to my work, all our memories, our peanuts in Barcelona to our biryani in Maastricht to that up-in-the-air baba in Rome to Pashtu photography in Athens... everything makes me smile all day, and realize how enriching this relationship has been. How blessed it has been. Just as I was coming out of shower few minutes ago, I sniffed my arm to check if smells good... something I always, always used to do when you were around. These silly things are so charming, our humor when together I feel, is hysterical. 

We are both very ambitious, and ambition always comes with a price. But why be afraid when we have known this fact since forever. In fact, this drive in you excites me, and the possibility of working together is an idea which can very well materialize the dream of uninterrupted togetherness. The price, well, can be disagreements but frankly, I do not see us doing well without them either. Conviction completes us both. 

Today, when I have an awful amount of work to handle, when next few months seem full of work and deadlines and travels and uncertainty, I find great peace in the fact that I was able to spend so much time with you. I can still hear those hearty laughs, I can still see us spending hours in bed together, I can still smell the fragrance of your body. They are here, intact. I feel very, very blessed to have had enough energy, love, time and money, well... money for the most part, all factors required to enable a person for such an exhilarating and soul stirring journey that I had in the last six months. 

I love you.

I will write more.

Because no one is like you - I

We are six months old today. Six incomparably beautiful months of my life. Six months of uninterrupted togetherness. Countless hours spent in each other’s arms. Conversations that often led to passionate lovemaking; Lovemaking, that had no track of time, as many of our days were all about being in bed. Amsterdam, Brussels, Paris, Istanbul, Athens, Rome… seems like a dream, no?

I remember the night we got together. You were wearing that blue shirt, your eyes glowing like I had seen never before, your face, calm. Fourteen hours of conversation, thousands of miles between us, completely unaware of what is to come in next few months. That was New York – Wageningen my dear, soon to be Karachi – Wageningen.  While I was flying back to Karachi, I had absolutely no idea how long are we going to last; how many times are we going to see each other, with so many of societal, familial limitations around us. And then, a strange sense of nervousness… ‘How it would be to meet her in person?’

Ahhh…

Kahva was simply beautiful, wasn’t it? We connected instantly, and then over and over again, seeing each other eight times in three weeks of my stay in Karachi. Is that a lot? Well, to set some scale, I met my best friend twice (for fifteen minutes) and all my other friends and relatives  just once during this period. We ended up watching YJHD thrice in cinema, that too in Ramadan. Hahaha. I have never in my life seen a movie thrice in such short intervals, let alone in cinema. But well, was I ever watching the movie? I don’t think I even remember the story or all the characters.

……….

I am about to reach my stop, soon to be with you. But I will write more. This, I figure is going to be a series of posts… a celebration of us.

I want to end now saying that this journey, with you my love has been one incredible experience. So full of emotions. You are my sunshine, your laughter makes my life brighter, your words make me feel so, so special. I feel so connected, so much in love with you that it is practically becoming extremely difficult for me to imagine myself without you. How is it ever going to happen.

Love you.

Like I have loved no one else.

Noor.