Being Me...

Oh! 'm back here after 20 days... life has been busy, well...not exactly. Last 20 days or so have been very quiet. The city is on heat. My love for this city is fading with every passing day. My feel that "I don't belong to this place" is dominating over my so called patriotic sentiments and my love for this country. Why do I love it? Well, I don't know. Sometimes I feel this country has been like my father. It has done quite many things for me.. but if I had an choice, I wouldn't have opt for it. Shayad... I have no other option than to love it.

'm on vacations these days. Like always, I planned a lot and now... everyday with garbage, I throw out a plan. Each plan a day... Try it if you want to keep yourself busy.

Well, I did some other things too. Watched three Indian movies [after quite sometime]. Being Cyrus, Shootout at Lokhandwala, Ta Ra Rum Pum. Of three, I liked Being Cyrus, the most. Saif Ali, Dimple Kapadia, Simone Singh were brilliant. They all seemed completely engulfed in the characters they were portraying. But two performances that were truly exceptional were from Boman Irani and Naseerudin Shah. One should really give credit to Boman's talent. He made me laugh even with his sheer frustration and anger.. and Naseeruddin Shah! like always, he was in full form.. But the way he carried of the complex role... One of the finest I have seen in recent past.

And last night, I had a long conversation with my brother. I wont right everything about it but he said onething that really made me think... no matter how much I run from it, I just can't ignore it. Like running in a circle, I will keep on returning to it...

"Yaad rakhna, zindagi mein har cheez temporary hai. Kuch aik sa nahin rehta. Agar koi tumhara mazak uraye tou woh waqti hai, koi tareef karey woh bhi, koi daantey woh bhi... koi pyaar karey, woh bhi..."

When he said that, he had a vivid disappointment in his voice.. and love in eyes. His words made me think and his tone made me feel... made me feel that they expect certain things from me... not for themselves but they want to see me big, they want to see me happy.. want to see a complete man in me... and I'm not no one to take their dreams from them. 'm No one. Read somewhere that a human is in chain everywhere in this world. This is the chain of love.. of responsibility. I don't like it but I don't want to break it.

Oh God, why do I think so much... I need work. I want to work 18 hours a day...this numbness is breaking me. Though I have recently joined gym and look more fit than before, I can feel my heart going numb. I need warmth. I want someone to hug me very tight and whisper, " Noor! I 'm with you and I know you would do it."

Even if I find no one, I will stand. I have no other choice. I will earn pots of money, I will make my friends laugh, I will study alot... I will pray. I will do everything, everything...

BUT...

Just one hug? Is there anyone... pls??

Noor.

June 16th, 2007

1:08AM