Thursday, January 30, 2014

Because no one is like you - III

Yeh ghum jo iss raat ney diya hay,
Yeh ghum sehr ka yaqee'n bana hay;
Yakee'n... jo ghum se kareem tar hay,
Sehr... jo shab se azeem tar hay.

This is closest one can get to life. Faiz in his poetry, unlike many others, has successfully found that elusive pulse between truth and fantasy; between pain and ecstasy. And he has often, then not, managed to keep his finger on it. It is often, then not, difficult in life to make these distinctions, isn't it? No matter where I look today, past present or future, the dots connect both ways, like a symphony both bitter and sweet. Co-existence is one of the most important lessons one learns in life; that success and failure can come and exist together. And then one fine day, just as you would know, they both let you go. You die. To me personally, the quest to understand realm and fiction in their isolation seems like a mistaken notion, as I feel both are weaved with hope and distress. Hope and distress, in their purest forms feature both in my reality and dreams. One time or the other. Sometimes my reality does seem brighter than my dreams. 

But I cannot claim the universality of this belief of mine, as I understand it may not always hold ground. In fact, a lot of times I feel this belief gives birth to restlessness. To organize is so vital to keep both.

I often, more than before, think about my father these days. Separation continues to be my biggest fear. Somehow, missing you makes me miss him as well. But unlike you, he does not come on Skype, his voice, never to be heard again. What time does to memories is strange. Each passing day, both adds in and takes away memories; we truly live the Theseus's paradox. And one day you meet a sudden realization that you are beginning to lose your father's voice in your head. You think you know it but you are not sure anymore. Today when I think about the time when we used to have dinner together, every single night, discussing politics and sports and movies, I find it extremely difficult, almost unbelievable that he, in his physical form, does not exist anymore. Where is he? He continues to live with us, in us, through his values and ideals, somewhere on the very fine line between truth and fiction. 

Often, I think of him when I see my mother smile. I think of him, when I see you smile. Our arguments remind me of my arguments with him, the way I tell you about movies, he used to tell me. 

I realize one day I will lose more people, a thought that makes me really sad. More than the happiness of meeting new people. I realize both will happen one day, that I will lose and gain more people, that I will be sad and happy. 

Tonight, as I sit here alone in my room, engulfed in such abstractions, I find one thought of more value, one thought more urgent than the others. This journey has brought me to a familiar junction, a realization that love should be always be expressed. As many times, in as many ways, as you want to. As randomly as you feel like. Just as I do not have any idea if whatever I have written or thought previously tonight has any connection(s) to it. A culmination, a climax which may not be as relevant to the story, but certainly as important as the story. Perhaps our stories will always remain incomplete without this expression of love. Perhaps my story with my father remains incomplete. I thought we still have much time left.

So, here I am, once again tonight, saying what I say very often. I love you. With all my heart. Every minute spent with you is special. I look forward to see your face everyday, literally waiting. 

I love you.


Sunday, January 26, 2014

Yeh Raat.

                                                         - Faiz

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Gate C-09

I feel so overwhelmed: when will I see you next? Not soon, I feel, but I hope soon. Because without seeing you, your face and being in your tight but endearing embrace, I don't know what I will do. Right now, it seems like that's all I know in life, all I know is how to be with you, how to be yours, how to love you and respond to your love...that's all I know, that's all I have known in the past few months. Will I know anything else? I don't know. Will I unknow what I know? I don't want to. 

...Some just melted inside of me.

Because no one is like you - II

This post is about hope. Because both, the one who is writing, and the one for whom it is being written, are driven by nothing but hope. Or perhaps I should go on to say, drawn as well towards each other by nothing but hope. Hope that trust would be treasured; hope that past would always be in past. We both have had our ups and downs, enduring hilly often rough terrains of life. But we must admit, that we both are incredibly blessed people, successful on our own tracks, unusual in our own ways. 

I remember the last time I wrote here, more than a month ago, I was coming to Amsterdam... I was coming to see you. Waiting for you at the cafe and then you came. Done with your exam, a little tired, but glowing. We were celebrating our six months of togetherness, two chicken fried rice, two cokes were ordered yet again. Now when you are back to your college, and me back to my work, all our memories, our peanuts in Barcelona to our biryani in Maastricht to that up-in-the-air baba in Rome to Pashtu photography in Athens... everything makes me smile all day, and realize how enriching this relationship has been. How blessed it has been. Just as I was coming out of shower few minutes ago, I sniffed my arm to check if smells good... something I always, always used to do when you were around. These silly things are so charming, our humor when together I feel, is hysterical. 

We are both very ambitious, and ambition always comes with a price. But why be afraid when we have known this fact since forever. In fact, this drive in you excites me, and the possibility of working together is an idea which can very well materialize the dream of uninterrupted togetherness. The price, well, can be disagreements but frankly, I do not see us doing well without them either. Conviction completes us both. 

Today, when I have an awful amount of work to handle, when next few months seem full of work and deadlines and travels and uncertainty, I find great peace in the fact that I was able to spend so much time with you. I can still hear those hearty laughs, I can still see us spending hours in bed together, I can still smell the fragrance of your body. They are here, intact. I feel very, very blessed to have had enough energy, love, time and money, well... money for the most part, all factors required to enable a person for such an exhilarating and soul stirring journey that I had in the last six months. 

I love you.

I will write more.