"You know its true... Everything I do.. I do it for you."
One beautiful song by Bryan Adams. Brings back so many memories... makes me want to get personal tonight, after well around 3 years I think. At that time somewhere around the later half of 2007, I promised myself that I would not let my emotions flow through my words. I decided I would not talk about my breakdowns, about things/people I love and what I feel about them. Resting deep down inside those inexplicable corners of my existence. All that I have written since that day, have just been mere reflections. Point of view, you may say. About things/people, where how what I think about them. I completely own my thoughts, my words but there are things I yearn for. People who I love, people who I need, people I want to be with. And badly. All these years, it has just been about them, not me. Someone needing love, unconditionally.
Today, it is just going to be about me.
There was a time, when I had gone very unstable. Emotionally I mean. What do you expect man.. I was 19, madly in love with her. And what happened... 3 30AM one night she texted me, "Noor.. I think I'm falling for someone else.. you need to get over with us". Hmmmm.. You know I agree things weren't all smooth between us but.. I didn't expect things to be.. well this interesting. Ha! Things were interesting. I met her next day at KFC nearby. She looked like someone in love but crap, it wasn't for me. I knew it, had to accept it. And yeah, had to attend my first cousin's wedding reception that evening as well. I came home, cried in shower, dressed up, went to the reception, met relatives, smiled, talked... being normal about it... being personal about it.
It was that day. The last time I cried for her. Or anyone else. I realized its such a difficult thing to do, crying that is. You know that day really made me who I am today... some would say strong, some would say aloof and some cold may be. I don't know but yes... today I'm more prepared to deal with such interesting situations. I'm no longer 19, no longer a first timer. I'm glad I didn't let myself completely crumble. I feel blessed that I had friends to help me get out of it. Many a times I picked up a knife to cut myself but I never did. Many a times, we had fights and arguments just on the night before my exam but I never failed even one. I'm blessed you know, I got out of it without much damage. Well.. yeah may be.
But you know, this suffering, broken relationships, fights, arguments... nothing has stayed long enough to weaken the intensity of my desire to love. I want to love. I want to be loved.
You need to know... there is someone real behind that shining armor... and he needs a hug!
One beautiful song by Bryan Adams. Brings back so many memories... makes me want to get personal tonight, after well around 3 years I think. At that time somewhere around the later half of 2007, I promised myself that I would not let my emotions flow through my words. I decided I would not talk about my breakdowns, about things/people I love and what I feel about them. Resting deep down inside those inexplicable corners of my existence. All that I have written since that day, have just been mere reflections. Point of view, you may say. About things/people, where how what I think about them. I completely own my thoughts, my words but there are things I yearn for. People who I love, people who I need, people I want to be with. And badly. All these years, it has just been about them, not me. Someone needing love, unconditionally.
Today, it is just going to be about me.
There was a time, when I had gone very unstable. Emotionally I mean. What do you expect man.. I was 19, madly in love with her. And what happened... 3 30AM one night she texted me, "Noor.. I think I'm falling for someone else.. you need to get over with us". Hmmmm.. You know I agree things weren't all smooth between us but.. I didn't expect things to be.. well this interesting. Ha! Things were interesting. I met her next day at KFC nearby. She looked like someone in love but crap, it wasn't for me. I knew it, had to accept it. And yeah, had to attend my first cousin's wedding reception that evening as well. I came home, cried in shower, dressed up, went to the reception, met relatives, smiled, talked... being normal about it... being personal about it.
It was that day. The last time I cried for her. Or anyone else. I realized its such a difficult thing to do, crying that is. You know that day really made me who I am today... some would say strong, some would say aloof and some cold may be. I don't know but yes... today I'm more prepared to deal with such interesting situations. I'm no longer 19, no longer a first timer. I'm glad I didn't let myself completely crumble. I feel blessed that I had friends to help me get out of it. Many a times I picked up a knife to cut myself but I never did. Many a times, we had fights and arguments just on the night before my exam but I never failed even one. I'm blessed you know, I got out of it without much damage. Well.. yeah may be.
But you know, this suffering, broken relationships, fights, arguments... nothing has stayed long enough to weaken the intensity of my desire to love. I want to love. I want to be loved.
You need to know... there is someone real behind that shining armor... and he needs a hug!
16 comments:
I like the last line.
You were 19 but you were strong. Stronger than I am now perhaps.
I like it more the rest of the post because it just changes everything you've written above, doesn't it?
And like's such a small word in a world where we have lexicons of expressions and emotions.
*smiles inside and out*
I am so appreciative of the fact that you feel stronger after your incident... not many have the courage to stand up again after falling so hard.. falling yeah!!! and you're so damn right.. we are who we are coz of all that has happened... the past nicely written Noor!
People become hard from outside cos often they are broken inside. They become numb, naive and indifferent cos they don't wanna feel the pain again. They become what the world wants them to be - they laugh, smile, make out, fake it - and in the end...hurt themselves even more, breaking and crushing just themselves and no one else.
19 or 23...age is just a number...its about who you are - inside and out!
we could have talked about it, hadnt u been anonymous
And what could we have talked?
Whatever you said.
I don't understand this 'being anonymous' you see. I don't.
And would knowing my identity change your opinion on the topic? or your thoughts? or feelings?
If it doesn't then we can still talk...
a nice post indeed..ya the dots can always be connected looking backwards..
I can't keep on talking to a shadow you see.
I need to know.
Your post made alot of questions pop in my head.
For alot which I dont like the answers to, and alot that I dont want to answer.
I Love the last line of the post. And love how you stand up for yourself and dont let all of you shatter. =)
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