I need to accept...

I'm losing control.. or I 'm gaining some?? Was I numbed last night or I was relaxed? Have I lost my emotions or I'm just over filled with them?? This confusing, illusive questions are troubling me since last eve.. My mind stumbles.. since last eve I decided not to run away from things anymore [and expect they would get better] and face the scene eye to eye..

and last night, I chatted with an old and very close friend of mine. My college mate. We talked for about 2.5 hours [It was her call btw]. We usually dont talk this much but it seemed like we have so many things to say to each other.. Even when we werent saying, the very presence of a friend was worth experiencing!! true friends are very important, I now know and accept. And keep that "true" special.

We talked about so many things. Studies, future plans, where and why do I wish to leave Pakistan.. what does she wanna do, marriage.. etc etc. We recalled all those fun days of college. Well, these days are fun too but... those were days of transition. We all were different but so gelled. We laughed about Mr. Mairaaj's professor like attitude, Mr.TJ's trendy sweaters... Mr. Noman's "hai-gaa", our colleague's wierd hairstyle which she thought looks sexy on her.. a friend's addiction to compuer n internet... and alot of things.

And we talked about ourselves. Our lives. Then and now. She told me about her uneasiness with her batch mates and what she feels like. It feels good when someone opens your heart to you and you can smell purity and simplicity of that expression. I, who constantly live in a world of oxymorons and complexities was completely thrilled experiencing it. A simple but very honest expression.

And she told me about myself. Her thoughts. About how she found me then in those days and how she finds me now. Those werent judgements, and she wasnt given me tags.. but they did make me think.

She remembered me something about myself. I have forgotten alot about myself. Last night, I realized I have always done what I have felt like. These are her actual words..

"pichley 4 saal se I've been listening from you ke dil chah raha tha isliye mein ney yeh kiya..!! College kion nahin aaya, dil nahin kia. Fday par kion nahin aaya.. dil nahin kia. Why are you talking so rude? mera dil kar raha hai... hamesha se aisa hi hai tu..."

Impulsive? would you call it impulsive??

She reminded me how I was then. Strong. Focused. Reserved. Rude. Proud. Aimbitious. Funny and somber at the sametime. But she made onething very clear. Even then, I was chasing the unknown. I was always believed as someone who continuously shuffles between the reality and the world of my illusions and aspirations. I was known to make wierd remarks, ask unexpected and "hard to reply" questions even then. Even during those early days, I wanted to explore many more territories which sounded funny and insane to most of them.

These things havent left me. I'm still behind those undiscovered things. I still challange my own believes and concepts. I still find it interesting to play word games with people. but today, I guess I have lost my balance. The balance which I used to maintain in my own illusive, idealistic, imaginative world.. and this real world with so many people around me. I need to accept it. I need to accept that what happens in my world of illusions, may or maynot happen in reality. If I love someone and want to spent a long time with someone just beacuse I feel amazing compatibility about it, it isnt necessary that she should feel the same way. I accepted it long ago that I can make horrible mistakes. I really have accepted it. But now, I think I need to accept that there comes a time when you arnt given one more chance. Even by the one, whom you love so much and rely on so much. It makes sense. I need to swallow that sometimes, your shortcomings overcome love so skillfully that the relation you nourish through going so much.. seems like a burden and chokes you. I need to accept that sometimes, your wouldnt be given even a chance to speak up. Your promises, your efforts, your concern.. all look dummy like. I have to learn to be quiet and express less.. to flow less, to feel less, to think less. I need to accept.. I can make someone's life terrible. I never wanted that. But shayad I need to accept that it can happen. Even just your presence can be difficult to stand. I need to accept that sometimes hope and optimism are mere illusion. I need to accept that sometimes there are just no coming backs.

I know I'm strong. Very strong. All these years, I have thought extremely positively about myself. But... I need to accept that what I want.. may not be given to me.. may not be mine.. I need to accept that though my family, friend and you.. like me and love me... I may not be the one you wish for. My parents want to me to be something like my brother.. my friends would say something else..I need to accept that I will have to walk alone... I m just abit too difficult to comprehend. I always believed even not anyone, you would be the one to understand me.. cuz I found you like me. but I need to accept that I 'm abit insane. I need to accept that sometimes... love isnt all that is enough..

Goshhhh!!! I have so much work to do.. haina? I have to accept soooooooo many things..

so lets get down to work! I'm going back to my own world.. and this time I'm going alone.

Will I look back for someone??? I just don't know.... my wishes would gaurd my palace of illusions.