..yaaram

When two particles meet, or two objects say two billiard balls, the result is almost always predictable; a distinct arrangement of position, velocity and mass. Simplest of interactions where either nothing ever changes or changes radically in a way that it never becomes the same again.  How different it is with us? When two people meet, their encounters and the outcomes, depend almost every time on the path that they have taken to arrive at that point. By this token, the subjects may not be at the center as they are not independent in the truest or any possible sense. How they think, perceive or feel is, in one way or the other, always tied to their histories; intricate and not so stochastic. My history, inclusive of all the roles that I have had to play, real or fictitious, revolves mainly around passion, pride and pain. Or perhaps this is how I think of it.

This love that I have for you is not all fantasy.  Experiences, those innumerable encounters may not give me the liberty or desire to paint a perfect picture. As I have come to understand over the years that, acceptance of each other’s imperfections is the best gift we can share; and that we may have our own struggles, those moments of insecurity, disconnection and unrecognizable agony.  Every time we are together, we as subjects remain no longer as important; our interactions, these daily stirring encounters take up the center stage, transcending us to a place where words and phenomena such as fantasy and perfection become somewhat insignificant. Acceptance becomes so easy here, a process so natural. There are times when I can identify patterns, cues that we may have taken the same path. Times when I feel that this is one thing, more than any other, that connects us so beautifully. Times when I feel that our histories do recognize each other; that they smile, and that they want to make love. I don’t talk about it often, or perhaps not at all, but there are times when what you say and how you love makes my heart smile so hard, and makes me so happy that I could cry. Every inch of my body yearns for it. Every dimension of my existence, be it passion, pride or pain, feels so coupled; satisfied. And let me say this again… my love for you is not a fantasy. You and I are here in a very real sense. Few days back I said that I want to take you away and just disappear. Yes, but not in the sense of hibernation. For how we are, we will not be able to love and reside in peace while our cities and people burn. I want to go out and face the world with you; live with you. See the world, and make an impact.

I get really scared when I think about losing you. I never mentioned it, mainly because it would have brought both us down, but I have dreamed of it more than a few times in last couple of weeks. You being away… and that intense, palpable pain.

Coming back to you every night is like coming back home.

I don’t want to be a wanderer all my life.

I get exhausted.

I really don’t want to.

I love you. With all that I have.

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