[Year 2007] -Me-Life-Flavors-

It's the last day today. 2007 is over. Time to celebrate? Well, certainly not! It's a time to mourn for the whole nation since the "Daughter of the Nation" has passed away. But in midst of all this sadness and monotonous whining, I feel strange. All this is very familiarly strange! In a country where more then 100 men die everyday without leaving a trace, a country where [I don't know] how many daughters and mothers get assaulted everyday, burned everyday... People of such a country should be ready for this type of "traumas" and "mourning"! no? Are we really used to mourning? And frankly speaking, somehow I don't know why should I feel sad for her? Yes! She was a strong woman, Yes! She was the daughter of Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto [I don't know who he was and how he was BTW! But I do know he was the one who teared apart that papery something in the Security Council.. He is "The Man"]... Why should I stop working because she died? Few days back, a 4 year old son of our household maid was crushed to death by a reckless, drunk truck driver.. I didn't stop working that day. Nor did I mourn! Oh c'mon don't tell me that poor child didn't go oxford or Harvard and wasn't a "strong willed" child!

But I feel sad. Probably for this city. Because I belong to this city. Probably watching cars burn, people shouting and darkened streets make me depressed. God Bless! --

Khair, lets move on. Year 2007 has been different for me. If I had to compactly sum it up in one word, it would be "Life". Yes! 2007 has been like a whole life... going up, going down, achieving, losing, laughing, crying... love, ignorance, anger, jealousy, spiritual.. LIFE!

[I had orignially written a lot of emotional stuff about the year but now I feel my emotions just don't matter! So.. sab khattam!]

Noor.

Monday, December 31st,2007

2:04 AM

Edited on Thrusday, 3rd Jan, 2008

Exams and Infections [With a Difference]

Exams are on. Is it a bad news? Oh I 've another news for you... I got ill twice, in last week or so. Firstly, it was a malarial infection. and it was my 'computer's' [subject] paper. It was a semi-disaster! It wasn't completely a disaster as I would InshaAllah get decent marks, but then it was a subject of my strength and like- ability. So calling it a semi-disaster would be okay, no? Well, Then, it's my 'management' paper tomorrow and guess what I 've got this time? My very own 'throat infection'. People who know me do know this very thing about me. My love for my throat. Or we should say, my abhorrence for my throat as I get it infected again n again n againnnnnnnn.... But one thing is for sure. In all this time of uncertainty and murkiness [some other dimensions of my life], this very old same throat infection makes me believe that I'm still the very same. That old lil infected bastard!! It still makes me suffer the same way it used to do some three years ago or may be even before that or may be since always. And it makes me realize that no matter time has changed the way I feel different things now, atleast *atleast* I can still feel this throaty 'interfering' infection, the same way. So does that mean this infection is a blessing? Well... CERTAINLY NOT!

Well... besides being sick most of the time, I'm studying alot these days. Obviously, since exams are on. As I wrote in my last entry, I'm working or living like a robot. Waking up 9 in the morning, then 11-6 belongs to university [quite often goes till 8 or 9] then home, eat, computer and zzzzzZZZ. I' m not saying I'm working alot these days, certainly I'm not. But pata nahin... during days, studying, in bus, gazing, junking... I realize that this is not me. I don't belong to this robotic schedules and robotic people. I was somewhere else. With someone else. Going somewhere else. Pata nahi... I love this too.. but..

Khair, life is going on and so 'm I. Two days back, while I was talking to a friend about my favourite time in a day and my love for winter nights, I suddenly caught the oxymoronity of the expression I just made. I caught myself saying, "I love winter nights since they are lonngg. I can do alot of work then..." WHAT? Welll, a reactive comment was quite obvious on this weird thought. "NoorrrRR!!!??? Winter nights are for sleeeeping, not working! C'mon, don't be so [owlishly] 'ALAG'..."

"Alag"... "Different"... "Unique"... "Reserved"... "Rude"... "Weird"... "Noor"....

I guess I will always be confused in these words. What exactly I Do?? Like them or hate???


Noor
Monday, Dec 10th,2007
00:34

Man, Mind, Mint.

Well... This wasn't planned. I was supposed to complete my Engineering reports by tonight but this blustery weather didn’t let me to do so. The blustery weather. Of me. Within me. Beyond me. And since I feel "single handed" in nights for a very specific period of time [lasting 30-60 minutes], it hurts me when I don’t write much. It hurts because writing is something I enjoy and believe am good at, no matter how unexciting and uninteresting my subjects might get for people.

Life is reluctantly studious these days. I like working like a robot. Actually living a life, robotic. What else do you expect from a full time student surrounded by people with intellectually tired minds? And foul-smelling, love finding, sex seeking humanity. And me? I'm no intellectual. I don’t like thinking about "sex without love" anymore. Just read my sentence twice. I can think about having sex without being in love. But thinking this way makes me hate myself. And this is something I just hate too much. Self detestation. HMMMMmmm.. And what about finding love??? Well.. I'm too reluctantly studious these days [a second mention!!]... And, well, what else you expect from a “full time student?" *smiles*...

Since I’ve come back from Islamabad, I'm on a potential high. I mean, it feels good when your friends show awe and respect to your so called abilities. It feels better when your teacher regard you as the best in the whole lot and allows you to submit your assignments even after 15 days of deadline's interment. HMMMmmm... Do you know what is the best part of all this?? The best part is to witness admiration and a sense of pride in your parent’s eyes.[and that’s includes my siblings and their spouses as well]. Simply unexplanable.

But in all this happy happy drama, there is one thing I surely learned. That one needs to constantly prove his worth. One needs to exhibit the potential, the talent. One needs to achieve. I knew that this world doesn't accept defeats and rejects defeated people. After all, who will forget that warm welcome our cricket team received after being forcibly thrown out of the World Cup...? [Man, it was so warm that blood boiled out from our eyes]. But it is just now that I came to know, that even "drawn matches" or "to be drawn matches" don’t attract anyone, much. So what happens then?? Well... Vacant seats, empty stadiums, no clapping, no whistling... and eventually no chics. But I 've full concerns with those who love. The parents, for an instance. Those poor people have no choice but to occupy some seats. They do clap on those text bookish and bookishly texted singles and occasional edges that go to the boundary. Don't doubt on it... Show me someone who has seen a coach dozing off during a match?? Bolo? Nahi na?

In short, this world needs 'Results' and that too, Fast! Does that tell you why Afridi is far more famous than Younis or even Yousuf?? Both of them do produce results but they are too studious. And the crowd is too reluctant. And me?? Well.. To mention same old nostalgic fact again... "I'm Reluctantly Studious"...

Kuch samajh aaya??

Haina? Haina? Hainnnnnnn???




Noor.
Wednesday,November 21, 2007
00:40

Throw it awayyyyyy....

management.notes.umbrella.Linkin .msn.Naushad.shame.

innoncence.bank.cach.money.life.love.brain.mr.India.

India Pakistan match.Dhoni.Dohn.live music.beyonce.

ass.jay Z.sir Khurram. Emergencey. ban on Geo.

unemployment. trains. Rawal pindi. mosquitoes.

bites.love making. nights. beds. condoms.university.

beggers. chic.cafe. tea. Rehmat. process management.

lime wire.guitar.pa.cheque. forms. teasing. saturday. presentation. marks. friends. cafe. coke. pesticides.

ban in India. India. Pakistan. Emergency. Musharraf.

president. Islamabad. Chak Shehzad. taxis. daman-e-koh.

fight. insane.Aamir Khan. Media. Department of Criminology.

Crime. Sanjay Dutt. Coffee. Malaika. legs. bleeding. Frustrations.love.jealousy.salimahabad .books.nani.bus.Rehmat. walking. Johny Walker.Walkman. MP3 player.expensive. camera. photography. serena.Islamabad.mornings.birds.PETA.Mukta.wit.boy friend. shopping.Mumbai. Pani puri. Sea. walk on beach. love making. me. you. love. relationship.cars.loans.cultus.city.alto.

Throwing goes on n on n on.......

I need to accept...

I'm losing control.. or I 'm gaining some?? Was I numbed last night or I was relaxed? Have I lost my emotions or I'm just over filled with them?? This confusing, illusive questions are troubling me since last eve.. My mind stumbles.. since last eve I decided not to run away from things anymore [and expect they would get better] and face the scene eye to eye..

and last night, I chatted with an old and very close friend of mine. My college mate. We talked for about 2.5 hours [It was her call btw]. We usually dont talk this much but it seemed like we have so many things to say to each other.. Even when we werent saying, the very presence of a friend was worth experiencing!! true friends are very important, I now know and accept. And keep that "true" special.

We talked about so many things. Studies, future plans, where and why do I wish to leave Pakistan.. what does she wanna do, marriage.. etc etc. We recalled all those fun days of college. Well, these days are fun too but... those were days of transition. We all were different but so gelled. We laughed about Mr. Mairaaj's professor like attitude, Mr.TJ's trendy sweaters... Mr. Noman's "hai-gaa", our colleague's wierd hairstyle which she thought looks sexy on her.. a friend's addiction to compuer n internet... and alot of things.

And we talked about ourselves. Our lives. Then and now. She told me about her uneasiness with her batch mates and what she feels like. It feels good when someone opens your heart to you and you can smell purity and simplicity of that expression. I, who constantly live in a world of oxymorons and complexities was completely thrilled experiencing it. A simple but very honest expression.

And she told me about myself. Her thoughts. About how she found me then in those days and how she finds me now. Those werent judgements, and she wasnt given me tags.. but they did make me think.

She remembered me something about myself. I have forgotten alot about myself. Last night, I realized I have always done what I have felt like. These are her actual words..

"pichley 4 saal se I've been listening from you ke dil chah raha tha isliye mein ney yeh kiya..!! College kion nahin aaya, dil nahin kia. Fday par kion nahin aaya.. dil nahin kia. Why are you talking so rude? mera dil kar raha hai... hamesha se aisa hi hai tu..."

Impulsive? would you call it impulsive??

She reminded me how I was then. Strong. Focused. Reserved. Rude. Proud. Aimbitious. Funny and somber at the sametime. But she made onething very clear. Even then, I was chasing the unknown. I was always believed as someone who continuously shuffles between the reality and the world of my illusions and aspirations. I was known to make wierd remarks, ask unexpected and "hard to reply" questions even then. Even during those early days, I wanted to explore many more territories which sounded funny and insane to most of them.

These things havent left me. I'm still behind those undiscovered things. I still challange my own believes and concepts. I still find it interesting to play word games with people. but today, I guess I have lost my balance. The balance which I used to maintain in my own illusive, idealistic, imaginative world.. and this real world with so many people around me. I need to accept it. I need to accept that what happens in my world of illusions, may or maynot happen in reality. If I love someone and want to spent a long time with someone just beacuse I feel amazing compatibility about it, it isnt necessary that she should feel the same way. I accepted it long ago that I can make horrible mistakes. I really have accepted it. But now, I think I need to accept that there comes a time when you arnt given one more chance. Even by the one, whom you love so much and rely on so much. It makes sense. I need to swallow that sometimes, your shortcomings overcome love so skillfully that the relation you nourish through going so much.. seems like a burden and chokes you. I need to accept that sometimes, your wouldnt be given even a chance to speak up. Your promises, your efforts, your concern.. all look dummy like. I have to learn to be quiet and express less.. to flow less, to feel less, to think less. I need to accept.. I can make someone's life terrible. I never wanted that. But shayad I need to accept that it can happen. Even just your presence can be difficult to stand. I need to accept that sometimes hope and optimism are mere illusion. I need to accept that sometimes there are just no coming backs.

I know I'm strong. Very strong. All these years, I have thought extremely positively about myself. But... I need to accept that what I want.. may not be given to me.. may not be mine.. I need to accept that though my family, friend and you.. like me and love me... I may not be the one you wish for. My parents want to me to be something like my brother.. my friends would say something else..I need to accept that I will have to walk alone... I m just abit too difficult to comprehend. I always believed even not anyone, you would be the one to understand me.. cuz I found you like me. but I need to accept that I 'm abit insane. I need to accept that sometimes... love isnt all that is enough..

Goshhhh!!! I have so much work to do.. haina? I have to accept soooooooo many things..

so lets get down to work! I'm going back to my own world.. and this time I'm going alone.

Will I look back for someone??? I just don't know.... my wishes would gaurd my palace of illusions.

One Question, One Answer..

That Is Enough

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know.""You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room with his tail wagging and an eager show of gladness. Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside... He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing...

I know my Master is there and that is enough."

Author Unknown

Haina??

It was a shining white day. The sky was finally blue.. well with some little naughty pieces of clouds. Looking at them, seemed like a group of kids playing in a wide field.. but!! The grass is blue in this case!

In Rome, one usually comes across people from different racial backgrounds. Each of them with excitingly different shade of brown and then there are whites... but are they really The whites? Or they are just a pale-ish, dullish, unexciting shade of brown!!? Confusinggggg!!!? Let's move from it.

No matter how different shaded skins they have, most of them love art. They are simply art lovers. Those who love art. Then those who love artists and finally those who love artist's art exibhitions!!! [Think about it. But later. Lets move ahead from here also...]

TO BE CONTINUED...

The Souls - YLC 07

Tribute to Jaun Elia

Numbness

I'm in a difficult mood today. Difficult to describe. It's not anywhere but it's somehow everywhere. Swings! I wanted to write a lengthy fictitious entry tonight but right now I just cant think anything.. It's like colors. When all the colors get mix, they evolve into BLACK. Just the same way, when you think about alot of things at a same time, you are actually thinking nothing. It gets empty. It gets tiring.


I read in an poetry sometime back [shayad of Wordsworth's].. "Vacant and pensive".

I 'm continuously living a dual life. Am I a bipolar??

I'm fighting hard. I who was always extremely proud of "my flow", today, I 'm trying my very best to stop it. The love I feel, I want to share it. But I 've to refrain myself. Even from expressing it... and this is killing me. Day by Day. I'm strong enough and sane enough to accept certain things.. but I AM NOT THIS!! can someone understand it?? Can someone accept it that life to me is my expression?? SOMEONE??

Were You Wise??

A Nation without Women

The door opened with a piercing sound... In came Kiran running like a wild bird. Her self was drenched in sweat.. her hands trembling... Her eyes wide open.. Like a bird just being unchained and relocated to a cage.. A cage called Ethics.. A cage of so called "Religion". She sat right next to her mother without having a thought that the only difference between herself and her mom is that her mom got wrecked some 30 years before her..

"Maa... Is it crime to be a woman??" " I don't want to live maa... I want to sleep in your lap, forever. I feel scared... of those eyes, of those hands who desire to check me like I am just a piece of meat.. "Am I just a piece of flesh?" "Soney dey maa... bahar buhat andheraa hai, abhi subah honey mein buhat waqt hai.. likin mujhey yakeen hai.. subah hogi... hogi na maa??"


"Haan beta zarur hogi... tu soja.. jab tu uthey gi, subah hogi!!"



.........


Those who study or have studied at the University of Karachi or have any friends studying there, might know that the most extensively visited places in the campus are PG[prem gali], PC and the Terminal. For those who don't know, PG is a gali just behind the university's Central Library. PC is the canteen of Department of Pharmacy [Lovingly called PC] and Terminal is the point from where one gets on the university bus. All these places appear different but they all serve for one common purpose...

" yaar woh dekh.. kia maal hai baap.."

I being the very part of this sort of a culture, live in a confused state of mind almost all the time. Should I enjoy all this [which sometimes I do]? Should I accept it as normal part of human nature??

But... somewhere I feel nauseated.

My friends enjoy it. When our nutrition professor asked us to write an article on hot issues regarding diet and nutrition, topics such as Lactation, Breast feeding, pregnancy became an issue for everyone to have fun about.. well, fun might not be the right word.. "Gandha Mazakh!!"

It's a blessing that mothers don't get to hear views of their breast feeded snakes!!

A month back, when I came back from Lahore... everyone was interested in knowing whether I got a chance to visit Heera Mandi.. It felt alot bad and a little amused at my stupidity. I thought Badshahi Mosque, Datta Sahab and Meenar are the main places to see. [But don't you worry my friends.. next time I would make sure I see Lahore's main attraction. The "Asli Heera"!!]

It's not always like guys are the real culprits but everything runs through a trigonal system... some become hunters as they are the ones to get the "chance". Then there are some wearing a tag of "shareef aadmi" which society honours them with, wait for the day.. when they can also hunt...

and there is a third type.. who peacefully but invitingly waits for someone to hunt them.. [And peaceful waiting is an oxymoron]...

And there is me. I personally feel I belong to all three of dimensions. But at times, waiting for my bus, standing in a queue, people watching... I start feeling that we all are living in a red light area.. because more or less, one day or another... we all are stripping someone. Good bad I don't know... but we fantasize.. to calm down our sexually frustrated inner self which suddenly awakens when eyes with "get naked" cycle aims at the meat of our own mother and sisters..

Gustaaqkh Nigaahein, Be-Bakh Alfaaz.. Hawwas ke ghulam Demaagh... we are marching towards a place which we don't know, we arn't answerable to anyone but God.. but we must think... mixing lust with love is like mixing Satan with God...

And to all my friends... "Please respect Woman!" PLEASE... because if we continue destroying them with our eyes, minds, words, rules, actions... this nation will soon be a nation with thousands of mere bodies but a Nation Without Woman.

Honour them. Let them flow. They are certainly the most beautiful creation of the Great warm mother like... God.

Noor.

Wednesday, 29th Aug, 2007

2: 19 AM

Shab-e-Baraat

Objet Trouvé

The Naked Dance of Fate...





Do check this place in coming few days... I might be writing strongest I 've for last 3,4 years...

Noor

Tuesday, 28th Aug, 2007

2:27 AM

One Month, Two Movies & Countless Thoughts

O my lovely enduring blog... I'm back!!! Yeah I know you feel bad when I go completely outta touch.. but believe me, I never forget you! Yess it's true!!! Promise!! Happy nowwwwww??

yeah?

GGRREATT!!!

Well the date was 27th July, when I wrote "Naked". At this frame of time, I don't remember what exactly I was thinking and thinking 'about' that time... and to tell you honestly, I cant really figure out what I'm thinking and thinking 'about' even right now. No I'm not confused.. but may be I'm thinking about maaaannnnyy many things these days. And yesss... I did watch two movies too. 'Life in a Metro' and 'Bheja Fry'. Both movies very different from each other but both enjoyable. Bheja Fry was absolutely a stress buster. Hilarious!! with a capital H.

I feel, had there been abit more of fine tuning in the movie Metro, it could've been a path breaking experience. But onething is for sure, the characters this movie portrays... they are going to remain in my memory for quite sometime to come. Sharman Joshi was exceptional.. So were Shilpa, Shiney, Konkana, Kay Kay and Dharmendra . But the two characters that really touched me inside were by Irrfan Khan and Nafisa Ali. Irrfan was so natural and amazingly balanced. The sequences between Nafisa Ali and Dharmendra were very sensitive and heart touching indeed. Somewhere deep inside me, I have always wished for this kind of love.. Love that is pure, unconditional and so earthy. I thought about this alot for couple of days and I feel that it isn't always necessary that your love life should be something resembling to the fairytales, it's not always necessary that your love is attainable, it's not necessary always to do big and flamboyant things to express how much you love... the expression is like a prayer.. done anywhere, about anything, doesn't always require words and is very natural! YES!!! Prayers and wishes are the most natural belongings we have.. that's why they may also get silly at times.. and to whom do you pray?? well it brings me to an expression I quite often make.. "Love in it's purest is God".

Apart from all this, my association with my characters has strengthen in last few weeks. I can vividly see now that they are much more complex than I thought they actually are.. you know what does that mean?? More mood swings!!

Two days back, a friend of mine offered me a drink which he claimed gives amazing tranquility and peace of mind. I refused. Let's see how long I can keep on refusing....

Noor

August 20,2007

12:32 AM

Naked

Naked... yet so Complete.

Tell me why ??

An Hour Left...

Exactly an hour left in my 20th birthday... I'm done with my teenage. It has been a life in itself. School, sports, relations, family, ghoomna phirna.. colony, REC, college, accidents... these 19 years of life has been like a roller coaster.

I have already started getting birthday wishes... I hope I get loadss of them!! At this moment of time, I 'm also going through a self reclamation phase... getting back to my core! I don't wanna hurt anyone. I don't wanna hurt her..! If this is My day, I have one very special wish to make...Oh God! Please give me strength to make a positive impact in people's lives.. and you have to do it! I know you 're listening.. God!

Feel like writing more but ... may be some other time!

My Birthday!! yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!! :D

SO DAMN TRUE!!!!!!

Your Birthdate: July 23

You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem. You're good at so much - you never know what to do. Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long. You are destined for a life of travel and fun. Your strength: Your likeability Your weakness: You never feel satisfied Your power color: Bright yellow Your power symbol: Asterisk Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I still remember it...

samandar ki lehrein hain...

saahilon pe tanhaa...

samandar ke ander tou, pur-hujoom lagti hain...

par saahilon pe aatey hi, lagh rahi hain tanhaa..

hum hain maa-nind inn lehron key...

insaanon ke is samandar mein...

dil ke is saahil par...

beh rahey hain tanhaa..

jee rahey hain tanhaa....

Kamran

98% SEXY!!!

I just took a online test " R U SEXY?"... hehe! lemme tell ya my results..

For Self-Image:
12% scored higher,7% scored the same, and 81% scored lower.

For Confidence:
7% scored higher,5% scored the same, and 88% scored lower.

For Attitude:
5% scored higher,2% scored the same, and 93% scored lower.

Overall:
3% scored higher,1% scored the same, and 96% scored lower.

Your Analysis

Here is a quick summary of your sexiness:

Image: You scored very high on the self-image attribute. Congratulations, you seem to take good care of yourself, and others can see this. Keep this up, it only makes you sexy!

Confidence: You are a highly confident person. This is great! People want to be around you, they want to know your opinion, and they have much respect you. Your confidence is sexy!

Attitude: Wow! Your attitude is great! You probably have many friends because you are very understanding and patient of most everyone. This makes you sexy to many.

Overall: You're God-Like Sexy .

Now... what do u say?? hehe! These Online tests are grrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaattttttt, man!!

....

Religious festivities are on roll... enjoying every bit of it. Though its a bit embarassing sometimes that after playing rasuras till 12, chatting and pranking around till 4.... I immediately sleep avoiding prayers. We are amazing people no? As persistent as a dog's tail! [but I feel proud when someone calls me a Dog... It re-defines my loyalty and barking ability] hah!

Uni starts on 17th... :s

and my birthday is onnnn!!!

I am! Am I?

Wow! Last 15 days have been like life itself... unpredictable and "fuckingly" awesome! July 1, I was in the bus traveling to Lahore with a bunch of smoking, stinking "brothers" of mine. No one believes that I travelled via bus and didnt get ill all through the conference... not even a headache!!! 6 days at the conference were awesome... I have soooo much to write about it but may be some other time!

After the conference, that is from 6th eve to 8th eve, we stayed at a local motel [We for me, Rahim and the other Rahim]. It was fun! The best part was our visit to Wagah Border... you know that place has amazing feel... standing just couple of steps away from the part of land called India, I felt like hugging each one of the Indian standing there... Those gates.. appeared so meaningless [and how can I forget Eesha...]

Lahore has its own flavor.. what they say "Lahore, Lahore hai!"... I enjoyed the Lahori experience!

Returning from the conference, I found a very wierd atmosphere at my home... people ignoring each other... debating on things which merely deserved a laugh... Disappointed, my mood immediately swung from extremely pleasent to a disaster... I yelled alot, asked too many questions... Damn!!

But now, no more!! This is not me... I know 'm different. I lost my essence somewhere... but I will get that back real soon again... I dont belong to the "sadistic" and "depressed" lobby!! I 'm bigger.. I'm beyond that. I wont die this easily... I'm myself!

Tribute to Sahir...

gum is qadar barhey,

ke mein ghabra ke pee gaya..

is dil ki be-basi pey,

tarass kha ke pee gaya...

thukra raha tha mujh ko, baree dair se jahan,

thukra raha tha mujh ko, baree dair se jahan...

mein aaj sab jahan ko, thukra ke pee gaya...

mein aaj sab jahan ko, thukra ke pee gaya...

gum is qadar barhey....

Rains, Trains, Brains, Drains...

Kaleemuddin was standing at the bus stop waiting for the jet.. Oh! It was a tiring day today... with this much heat and such a rascal sitting on the seat called "BOSS", Kaleemuddin could think of nothing else now but just lying down on this moltiform bed.. with or without his wife, well he never cared for that!! But hey... wait for second!!! yeh kia horaha hai!!???

hhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssshhhhh....

hussssshhhhh.............. zummmmmmmmmmmm....


peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppp....zuusssssssshhhhh....

BBBBBBAAAAAAANNNNNGGGGGG........!#$#$%$%^&*&****-----------!!!

.........................................................

Tring! Tring!!!

: "Hello! whos there?"

: "Madam, 'm speaking from the Civil Hospital... My name is Dr. Rashid."

: "Ji, Farmaaye! Whats the matter? Is everything Okay??"

: "Madam, 'm afraid to tell you that your husband has met an accident and he is severely injured.."

: "WHAAATT???? [After 10 minutes of cries and sobs]... What happened to him??"

: "Madam, I dont know the whole thing, but your husband was found lying at Sharah-e-Faisal with Baabra Shareef..."




With all concerns to those who suffered, dedicated to 23rd June '07.. Karachi.

I'm going home...

I'm staring out into the night
And trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing,
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain
I'm going home
to the place where I belong
where your love has always been enough for me
I'm running from you know
I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home...

The miles are getting longer it seems
The closer I get to you...
I've not always been the best man and friend for you
But your love remains true and I don't know why
You always seem to give me another try
I'm going home
To the place where I belong
Where your love has always been good enough for me
I'm running from you know
I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old

Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it all
You just might get it all
I'm going home
to the place where I belong
Where your love has always been enough for me
And I'm running from.. you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me'
But these places and these faces are getting old
But these places and these faces are getting old
I'm going home...
I'm going home...

Dedicated to US...

Being Me...

Oh! 'm back here after 20 days... life has been busy, well...not exactly. Last 20 days or so have been very quiet. The city is on heat. My love for this city is fading with every passing day. My feel that "I don't belong to this place" is dominating over my so called patriotic sentiments and my love for this country. Why do I love it? Well, I don't know. Sometimes I feel this country has been like my father. It has done quite many things for me.. but if I had an choice, I wouldn't have opt for it. Shayad... I have no other option than to love it.

'm on vacations these days. Like always, I planned a lot and now... everyday with garbage, I throw out a plan. Each plan a day... Try it if you want to keep yourself busy.

Well, I did some other things too. Watched three Indian movies [after quite sometime]. Being Cyrus, Shootout at Lokhandwala, Ta Ra Rum Pum. Of three, I liked Being Cyrus, the most. Saif Ali, Dimple Kapadia, Simone Singh were brilliant. They all seemed completely engulfed in the characters they were portraying. But two performances that were truly exceptional were from Boman Irani and Naseerudin Shah. One should really give credit to Boman's talent. He made me laugh even with his sheer frustration and anger.. and Naseeruddin Shah! like always, he was in full form.. But the way he carried of the complex role... One of the finest I have seen in recent past.

And last night, I had a long conversation with my brother. I wont right everything about it but he said onething that really made me think... no matter how much I run from it, I just can't ignore it. Like running in a circle, I will keep on returning to it...

"Yaad rakhna, zindagi mein har cheez temporary hai. Kuch aik sa nahin rehta. Agar koi tumhara mazak uraye tou woh waqti hai, koi tareef karey woh bhi, koi daantey woh bhi... koi pyaar karey, woh bhi..."

When he said that, he had a vivid disappointment in his voice.. and love in eyes. His words made me think and his tone made me feel... made me feel that they expect certain things from me... not for themselves but they want to see me big, they want to see me happy.. want to see a complete man in me... and I'm not no one to take their dreams from them. 'm No one. Read somewhere that a human is in chain everywhere in this world. This is the chain of love.. of responsibility. I don't like it but I don't want to break it.

Oh God, why do I think so much... I need work. I want to work 18 hours a day...this numbness is breaking me. Though I have recently joined gym and look more fit than before, I can feel my heart going numb. I need warmth. I want someone to hug me very tight and whisper, " Noor! I 'm with you and I know you would do it."

Even if I find no one, I will stand. I have no other choice. I will earn pots of money, I will make my friends laugh, I will study alot... I will pray. I will do everything, everything...

BUT...

Just one hug? Is there anyone... pls??

Noor.

June 16th, 2007

1:08AM

Kahlil Gibran..

"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children."

Kahlil Gibran

Lebanese Poet and Novelist

The Inner Child..

Life teaches us alot. Growing isn't an option. We grow with time... physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually... but the growth might be either way, growing better or going worse...

Changing faces, adapting to the situation, realizing, understanding, compromising... so much one learns and accepts...

They [parents, teachers, friends etc] tell us how to dress up, how to eat, drink, talk, laugh, cry, comment, compliment... Oh! So much to care about... and this world has a strange habit of making rules for everything. RULES.. rules dominate all our lives and we, either the better slaves or worst masters, always associate our lives with these rules... someday, we become masters and make rules on our own... in our minds and hearts. And someday, we become slaves to the rules They make of us.. and who are they? well, everyone except Us belongs to They.. and who are Us? I think I don't have that answer...

I don't care whether it's about breaking rules or following them... Rules, never existed anywhere...if you look down inside..

Because inside each one of us, is a child.. the Intransigent angel. The stubborn child of God. He knows no compromises. He doesn't understand "understanding"... If he likes something, he asks for it,shouts for it, cries for it... you can take that thing away from him, but he doesn't compromises... It's not because he doesn't follow rules or break them, but.. rules simply don't exist!! Rules always work as a barrier between feel and action... what that child feel, he does...

They say we shouldn't dream. We shouldn't let everything flow.. We should follow...we do follow... but what about that stubborn child??

This world is not made up of concrete.. it has tiny holes in it.. holes that show the way to eternity and peace. We, the civilizied people are way too big to pass through that holes... but that child isn't... I want to live like that child so that when no one is looking, I'll slip through that hole... to my Father.. The Stubborn God..!!

Noor.

It was Today..

ahhhh... finally 'm back to my very own computer! It was a looonnnggg day, today.. and a very exhausting one! both physically and mentally. To start with, I woke up around 10... and saw my mum ignoring me, for a reason that is unknown still... I had better reasons for her to yell at me but since I was already late, I avoided any kind of discussion and left home around 10 30. It was sooo verry hottt today... We have like Central Reading Room where we can sit and study quietly.. then we have our own departmental library.. then we have a research centre library.. but we [me and one of my friend] chose central cafeteria to study... for a reason I still dont know! Loads of discussions.. minutes of silence... then again discussions and then a prolonged silence.. why? We are in Examination hall now. There, both of my hands were occupied. Ofcourse I was writing with one and in other hand I had to keep my hanky.. No I didn't have flu but Its f***ingly hard to attempt a damn tricky biochemistry paper in such hot conditions and who can forget the loadshadings! but the electricity did come 45 minutes before the finishing time.. for that I'm thankful to the KESC... Ehsaan hai unkaa..

Then, we immediately had our Lab.. It was fun there but seeing people getting very tensed was very exhausting in its own way... I along with 6 of my close friends were last to go in for the viva...at about 8:00 in the dark.. It was like more of a chat about the standards and future of food technology in Pakistan then about the concerned course!

Then, we walked from our department to the main gate in dark...very dark indeed! It was fun though... as we were making fun all through the way... I think I've found good people here.. but Univerisity of Karachi at night is quite scary I tell u.

Came home.. took shower... ate a burger, slept for a hour o so and here I'm.. tired, exhausted but 'm sure I gonna sleep very calmy tonight...[:)]

a Thought...

I dont know.. but whenever I see this picture.. It makes me smile.. [:)]

Sab Bhula Ke..

soon I' m gonna return to my old ways... soon I'm going to break many more relations.. many more hearts... soon... I 'll leave... I can feel it... by the time this year ends... I'll leave everything behind and shut the door close..

There were rules in the monastery, but the Master always warned against the tyranny of the law.



"Obedience keeps the rules," he would say.





"Love knows when to break them."

My Silent Dark...

I came out alone on my way to my tryst.

But who is this that follows me in the silent dark?

I move aside to avoid his presence but I escape him not.

He makes the dust rise from the earth with his swagger;

he adds his loud voice to every word that I utter.

He is my own little self, my lord, he knows no shame;

but I am ashamed to come to thy door in his company.

Tagore

I don't want to be "The Superior..."

Every morning, as the clock ticks 11 00 , we all rush to the cafe.. our own department's. It's quite amazing.. the cafe of "The department of Food Sciences" has the lowest standards of hygiene and what should be called "proper handling"... but as we all are habitual of limping chairs, compassionate flies, neem trees and rancid food... we just can't get enough of eating...
But...!! Our daily visit isn't confined to eating at all... we are addicted to discussions and debates.. [I hate the latter]... Prof. Mahmood's infinte absence from class, Mr. Feroz's natural jhukaao towards girls.. yup! "jhukaao" is The word, Lab reports and theories... how unfair our education system is... Pakistan's performance in last night's match, what's wrong "with him" and this him changes everyday...



To be Continued...


Wednesday, April 11, 2007


Girls...! No matter from where our discussions start.. they always end up where long hair, big eyes and curves are... is that normal??

I'm usually very dynamic and vibrant in these discussions.. they are fun. I mean you stare at a girl, try to see everything that's visible, visualize things that could 've been visible.. I love cursing our cricket team, I'm arguably the most ferocious commentor on professors...I'm the One who insists "Guys, lets do something adventrous"... Inshort, any discussion which relates to fun.. I just jump into it without a second thought...

But, when things begin to get darker, when sensitive but serious issues arise.. I'm quiet. It's not becuase I 've nothing much to say, but my views are somewhat different... and I don't want to lose good friends.. *smiles..*

They say Men are superior to Women.. I think and believe, nothing is more beautiful in this very world then her [her symbolizes womanhood]...

and more than that I believe Men are bastards...[I want the count to start from me]...


To be continued...


Tuesday, 17th April, 2007

I have way too many friends than my family actually thinks I 've.. I enjoy them but I guess my flight is too high for them..or may be my direction is different or may be the aim is..

Jo bhi ho, I don't want to feel superior.. I'm quite ordinary.. I want to meet ordinary people more.. m tired of greeting gentlemen.. I don't want to discuss politics anymore, nor girls, my future, Pakistan's future..

Can anyone show me some ordinary people??

Strange...

I have so much work to do today... I have to prepare my lab reports; I need to study for my test...or testS! But ask me, it's all crap!!

Strange mood! For what? I don't know... I want to beat somebody real badly... and that someone should be a loved one, someone close to me... that's a condition...

I think I’ve an identity crisis... things are just fine no! They are great. Life is fun! Still I don't know who I am... it's not because of anyone... I think 'm losing myself with every passing second...

May be this is the last time I 'm writing something about myself in this blog... I don't want myself all the time... I want to get into people...their lives... I want to write about them... they are bigger [collectively], 'm smaller [individually]...

Strange!! *smiles…* I 'm... I feel like running in the darkness of midnight... I asked one kid to allow me kiss his cheek and when he nodded... I felt like slapping him as hard as I can... I want to study but I just hate my books... my professors, I love my mom but 'm fed up of her care... I 'm living but I want to experience death... * smiles...again* ... 'm sure... I would be dying to live then...

Strange...!!!

sambhaal sakogi mujhey...???

They Say...

They say rich is getting richer, and poor.. poorer..



Ask those poor to stop shitting and start working!!!!



I believe " Making Money and making Love are eaisiet of all the Arts.. if you can channelize your mind and heart.."


PS: I don't care, if u didn't get it!

A survey [on Demand]...

1. What did you wish your name was? I think m happy with Noor..
2. Did you have an imaginary friend? not really..
3. If yes, what was his/her name? N/A
4. Did you want to get married? not really but was naturally over attracted towards girls..
5. How many kids did you want to have? 2-3
6. What did you want their names to be? never thought of that
7. What kind of a perfect life did you want to live? a good companion, pots of money, a speedy car, loads of junk foods, no pa!
8. What kind of house did you want to live in? May b more quieter.. like on seashore.
9. Did you play with dolls or army toys? I had an army of soldiers :P
10. What was your most favorite toys' name? I don't remember exactly, but I loved them all.
11. Who was your childhood hero? Bhai
12. What was your favorite article of clothing? Vest :P
13. Who did you want to be like when you grew up? I wanted to be myself.. someone unique.
14. What did you want to be when you grew up? multi-millionaire..
15. Who were some of your best friends? Must be between Anis, Imran, Aamir, Mahmood, Waseem , I didnt know whats a best friend at that time.
16. How old were you when you learned to ride a bike? I guess 13 14
17. How did you feel? Don't remember:P
18. What was your favorite food? Mostly Non-veg.. biryanis, bbqs etc etc
19. Who was your favorite baby-sitter?I hated all those who considered me baby! :P
20. What did you think it would be like to drive a car? Boring question!
21. Did you ever own anything that had to do with My little ponies, Rainbow Brite or G.I Joes? No
22. Did you play with Barbie and Ken dolls? Nahin Bhai.. was too much busy in cricket and quarreling..
23. Did you play with baby dolls? No
24. Did you ever have one of those play kitchens? No
25. Did you ever own a Cozy Coupe? I could answer that if I knew what it was..
26. Do you remember shows like, Ducktales, Tale Spin, Gummi Bears or Lunch Box? Used to watch.. yeah id.
27. Did you ever own a power wheels car? Did, I threw it from the balcony one day...
28. Did you ever watch the show "Puff the Magic Dragon?" no
29. Who was your favorite pet? We had a cat.. i don't remember the name..
30. Did you ever believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? yeah.. I loved Christmas time and the cartoons they used to show..
31. If yes, who did you think the santas and easter bunnies at the mall were? here i never saw one.
32. How did you feel when you learned how to tie your shoe finally? that now I can tie any knot in this world :P
33. Did you ever have one of those slap-on wristbands? yes
34. Did you ever wear stick-on earings? no
35. Write down one specific memory that you have never forgotten of your childhood: I havent frgttn my friends, my sweet crushes on my teachers, my group, fights in my family [esplly at dining table], my naana ji, my old poetry diary which i dont know where it is..nw..i havent frgttn 3 accidents I met.. no broken bones though...

Here I 'm...

People around me are in so much pain... so many of them are suffering... I can clearly hear their cries, I can see them helpless.. they ask me to help... they want my help... but here I'm ... I can feel, I can hear, I can see.. but I can't do anything.. Why???

Sometimes I think it's bad to feel so much... feel about everything, about everyone because you know emotions don't matter... what do I have.. Does. What I 've done... Does matter.

When I walk in a crowd... I feel I'm alone.. I don't know what it is.. may be I think 'm not fit for this society or may b I've a superiority complex...!?? They... sometimes they stare, sometimes they laugh.. but they never cry and miss me when 'm gone.. Do I want them to miss me??? Does it matter???

A feel of worthlessness surrounds me everytime.. people close to me have made me believe that 'm worth of absolutely nothing... and they are quite right when I compare myself with my friends, cousins and collegues.. They certainly have more energy, more life, more masti, more charm ...... what do I have?? Feelings???


HELLO??????? anyone??? I wanna sell my feelings for free.. take them please.. I 've been feeling completely filled for so long, now I wanna feel completely empty...

OKay...


Okay.. lemme cut my this I, I and feeling, feeling shit off and allow myself to think something bad.. real bad! m tired of being good.. heheh.. when I was like 17 18 naa, I used to watch porn movies and at that time, I used to forget everything, literally everything...

forget about watching a porn now.. but I wanna that sort of a Focus [ you might know what I mean]...


But life is good, I love Karachi.. and I love Pakistan.. Pakistan Zindabad!!



.................



PS: Shit 'good', shit ' love', shit 'Zindabad'...


you see somethings are meant to be...

My Lady in White...

I don't know whats happening.. I don't know where I 'm heading to... they say I 've changed in last few days, is it something bad? Is it bad to stay quiet and think? Simply 'Think'... well, it's not possible atleast at my home, as it turns into a mini theatre every evening... It's not possible either in friends... as they never come up from scores [ both of exams and cricket], cars, bras, legs and biryanis...

Think-ing???

Is it so important? I 've thought about much till now... but no actions? where are the actions? Damn! they want results.. world wants RESULTS.. do I??

People around me are so monotonous..when they say they love me, they all say it togather... and I think they do love me... but they don't answer the most urgent question of my life... " Is it bad to be different?" "Is it bad to think..."

Let's see what they say:

Pa: 'Us sey kaho "sudher jaye", warna i will throw him out of MY house...'

Ma: 'Beta Parhai mein dhiyaan dou... hum log aaj hain, kal nahin...'

Bhai: ' Abhi aik dou saal aur aish kar ley.. phir khud seedha hojayegaa jab zamaaney ki laat pareygi naaa...'

Sis: ' Aur motey, kaisa hai? parhaii kaisi hai...'

Friends: Noor, Kis ki soch mein ho, kis ki yaad aarahi bhai...

Needless to say, they love me but they don't even know me.

Since I 've met her, I 've found an amazing silence and peace in her, her agitated self soothes my existance, her raw and unsophisticated presence has given me strength to survive in the mob of artificially designed expression-less humans [humans?], when she searches for answers, when the unknown fustrates her... I feel like bringing the whole world to her and say " Take anything you want, my lady..."

Though she is very complex to understand, she has given me a space in herself, a space where I lay down and relax.. There, I can't hear the instructions of my father, I can't hear the yapping of my friends.. It's so quiet. It's a space to feel, a space to express, a space to think... now I don't even want answers from anyone, she has given me The answer...

she has given me... Myself.